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Fear

The precursor to bravery

Jane has always been a super woman, and by super woman I mean she was a go-getter, fierce, gorgeous, courageous, beautiful and brilliant! She had amazing friends who always had her back at all costs


Jane has always been a super woman, and by super woman I mean she was a go-getter, fierce, gorgeous, courageous, beautiful and brilliant! She had amazing friends who always had her back at all costs, her boyfriend? Damn, there was something about his smile, it could confuse an approaching frown, Jane loved him, it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all right? She never thought of the day things would ever be weird between them, they say tranquil pleasure last the longest and we are not fitted to bear the burden of great joy yea? She loved him too much, she suspected people always thought she had a boyfriend so nobody came after her which would have been true if Jane did actually have a boyfriend, she didn’t have a boyfriend. Her family was adorable, they loved Jane, their happiness was a conscious choice, not an automatic response, Jane couldn’t ever ask for more, I mean She had it all, until one day.
The day that her life took a different turn, everything changed, her life changed, Jane lost it and it got super difficult to even be able to sustain her rather usual lifestyle well, not that she couldn’t take care of herself, she just didn’t find a reason to be herself and enjoy the good life she had,she stopped being Jane.
It had been sixteen years but those nights still seemed so real, the fear, anger, disappointment of letting a man take control of her body tormented her, she couldn’t control how she felt, she couldn’t face the man that took advantage of her sixteen years ago neither could she talk about it with her family, she was super scared, I mean what would you have done if it were you, being raped for several days and threatened at the same time in case you ever talked to anyone about it? This is one awful past Jane never found joy in talking about, she never shared this with anyone.
”If you ever talk to anyone about this, that’s it for you!”


Those words…those words killed her spirit every single day and the more she thought of those terrifying nights, the more her anger grew, she hated herself but crying every single for sixteen years wasn’t helping her either but she had to fit in and be the big girl she was, big girls are supposed to be strong and that is exactly what she did for sixteen years and yes, she did love covering up a lot, it was the only way she was certain no man would ever get to feel the same type of way towards her even though she knew this is not what led to her being raped to start with but she knew this was the only way she was ever going to protect herself from any man, it worked for years though.
But this particular night…she was overwhelmed, she was losing it, it seemed so real it like she was being raped again but psychologically, she couldn’t take it anymore and the only person she thought she could talk to was her therapist but she really wasn’t sure it was a bridge she wanted to cross, she always found comfort in holding onto her deepest fears, crying every night and pretending to be okay the next day which worked she wasn’t just sure for how long.

The night was still young, It was still early when the clouds gave off their rain to the grass and trees, the road became alive with more splashes than her eyes could appreciate, It was as if earlier the street had been a matt photograph, only to be washed as glossy as any magazine page. She could hear the quenching rain, the drops deepened every hue, bringing a boldness to scenes so familiar, a nuance that was so refreshing to the eye, but Jane was scared.
For a moment she remembered…laying on her bed when her uncle forcefully took away her pride, her virginity, the thoughts of seeing that man climb on top of her everyday for five days got her wild. She remembered crying out for help only to remember that no one else was home that night, his face…the determination to get to her, the urge to abuse her, the emotional tornado that would ruin her life forever…it all seemed so real.
”Regardless of the past, I am pure.”
She continuously reminded herself of how that night was not supposed to ruin the present,how beautiful and pure she was but deep down, she just wanted to cry, like the rest of the nights, it was a cliche but that is what kept her on her feet after the terrible experience.
She remembers the day she had gone to visit her aunt Ray as if it were yesterday only for her aunt to leave her behind with the uncle after she got a call that her friend had been involved in a road accident, her presence was needed but like any other mother, she never thought her husband would do anything stupid, Jane was a child,wait, Ray doesn’t really know that her husband raped Jane, Jane never told her. she always reminded herself that it was better living with the shame and emotional trauma than fearing for her existence, and the rain reminded her of the person she was, a hopeless young woman.
She got off bed, pulled down the curtains, placed her songs on repeat and tossed her body back to bed, fell deep into thoughts for a moment and finally sunk in tears. After a few minutes, she got off bed, tried to get to her phone in the other room but the door was locked, for a moment she felt like it had suddenly stopped raining, everything was silent, she could feel the chill in her blood, the coldness brought the synapses of her brain to a stand still. You know, fear is like a knife in the gut slowly twisted,it chocks and that is exactly just how Jane felt at this particular moment.
”He is here, he is back”

By Lifestyledigest

An adaptable,enthusiastic,determined story-teller

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